Elisabeth das Musical; A crack summary.
- Act 1
- Judge: WHY DID YOU DO THE THING, LUCHENI? WHY DID YOU KILL THE KAISEREN ELISABETH?
- Lucheni: Now hold up and lemme explain you a thing.
- -cue massive flashback, aka the rest of the show-
- Young Elisabeth: I want to be free to do as I want and to explore and to make my own way in the world and to live my life as I choose~
- Society: No. You can’t. You’re a woman.
- -Elisabeth has an accident-
- Death: Why hello there.
- Elisabeth: Hello dark prince. I think I love you. Don’t leave me.
- Death: Yes but you’re not actually dead yet. So we’ll have to continue this another time.
- Franz Joseph: I am the emperor but I have no control over the decisions I make.
- Sophia: Shut up and do as I tell you. Oh, and now it’s time you got married. Isn’t your cousin so prim and proper and polite and submissive?
- Franz Joseph: She’s gorgeous. –takes Elisabeth’s hands-
- Everyone: NO! NOT THAT COUSIN!
- Elisabeth: Oh. Hello. I think I love you.
- Franz Joseph: And I love you. But you know it will be hard to live with me. I am the emperor after all. You would have expected duties.
- Elisabeth: I don’t care. I love you. And what does anything else matter if we have love?
- Franz Joseph: Ok. Let’s marry!
- Death: -sobbing while laughing hysterically-
- Death: -crashes the wedding party- I thought you loved ME! Granted it’s been years since we last saw each other but that’s no excuse. Ah, it doesn’t matter. He might have you while you’re alive but one day you will die and then you will be mine! And you will run into my arms because I will make you want me by then. Yes, my plan is foolproof! –poof! Disappears-
- Elisabeth: A sudden chill just came over me. Not sure if it was my brush with the supernatural or all those people staring at us.
- Franz Joseph: What? Oh them. They’re just waiting to watch us consummate the marriage.
- Elisabeth: What?
- Fanz Joseph: Welcome to royalty!
- -next morning-
- Sophia: Get up. It’s time I start making your life hell.
- Elisabeth: But why?
- Sophia: Because I can. And I’m your mother-in-law. It’s what we do.
- Elisabeth: Help me Franz Joseph!
- Franz Joseph: Ummmm…… mummyknowsbest –runs away-
- Elisabeth: Bastard. Well. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone. I will fight this battle alone. I will live my life as I choose! I am strong! For I am woman!
- -shortly afterwards-
- Elisabeth: Ah fuck why is this so hard.
- Franz Joseph: What’s wrong my dear?
- Elisabeth: I’m being stubborn.
- Franz Joseph: Stop it.
- Elisabeth: No.
- Franz Joseph: Stop it.
- Elisabeth: No.
- Franz Joseph: Stop it.
- Elisabeth: No.
- Franz Joseph: Stop it. Pleeeeeeeease. I really need your help. Our popularity is down and Hungry are going to revolt and pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.
- Elisabeth: Give me our children back then. Your mother stole them from me.
- Franz Joseph: Oh, right, ok. I guess they could visit.
- Elisabeth: Yay!
- Death: I took your daughter.
- Elisabeth: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! –heartbroken-
- Death: One day you will love me.
- Elisabeth: -locks herself away-
- Prince Rudolph: Mummy? Where’s mummy?
- Sophia: You don’t have a mummy.
- Franz Joseph: Elisabeth? Please unlock the door Elisabeth? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
- Elisabeth: No. Here are my terms and conditions. I won’t come out until they are met. Hmph.
- Death: Hey. How’s it going? Want to die yet?
- Elisabeth: Ummm… No. No, no, no.
- Death: Was worth a try. See you later.
- Franz Joseph: Elisabeth? Honey? Sweetie? I’m sorry. Please come back to me. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.
- Death: No, my dear, my sweet angel, come to me instead. Come to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
- Elisabeth: No. I will go to neither of you. For I belong to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
- Act 2
- People of Hungry: We love Elisabeth!
- Elisabeth: Yes, life is good. I have leverage over my husband, I have found _my_ people in Hungry, Sophia has no sway over me anymore, life is good.
- Death: But you forget, it was all my doing. I helped you. You were only strong because of me. It was all me. You are mine.
- Elisabeth: I belong to no one but me! –stomps off-
- Death: -internally screaming-
- Prince Rudolph: Mummy? Where’s Mummy?
- Death: You don’t have a Mummy.
- Prince Rudolph: ;-;
- Death: It’s ok. I’ll be your friend instead.
- Prince Rudolph: ^-^
- Sophia: That damn Elisabeth is using her womanly charms to influence my son. And nobody, man or woman, is allowed to boss my boy around but me! We must do something!
- Advisor: Well, as they say, there’s lots of other fish in the sea *waggles eyebrows*
- Bishop: I object.
- Sophia: Really?
- Bishop: On second thoughts, go ahead. God bless.
- Madame: Welcome to my whore house! We have lots girls! All types!
- Lucheni: (Where did all my lines go?)
- Madame: Take any of them you want. Except I advise against choosing her, she’s deseased.
- Advisor: We’ll take the deseased one.
- Elisabeth: -faints-
- Doctor: Well it might be the fact you refuse to eat and you engage in excessive amounts of exercise, which in centuary’s time or so they will call this anorexia and recognize it as the mental illness it is and you might even be treated for it, but what I think is really going on here, in my professional opinion, is that your husband is an unfaithful twat and he’s given you an STD (that’s also a term from the future, but you get the picture).
- Elisabeth: THAT LYING CHEATING SOB. I will kill myself! I will do it now! I WILL KILL MYSELF
- Doctor, oops I mean Death: YES! Do it! I would love for you to do that!
- Elisabeth: You! Ah goddamnit can’t a girl get some peace around here? No! I won’t kill myself. I will continue to live but I will use this incident as leverage to get what I want from my husband. I will be free to live my life as I please!
- Death: So close! And yet, so far!
- Elisabeth: -travels-
- Franz Joseph: Goddamnit mother, why did you have to meddle and ruin everything?
- Sophia: Idiot child. Can’t you see everything I did was for you? –dies-
- Franz Joseph: This is tough. My mum’s dead, Elisabeth is never around, Rudolph’s all grown up but he’s a bit weird, the advisors are annoying, AH WHAT DO?
- Rudolph: Oh my god can’t these people see the shit we’re heading for? Help me my one and only friend!
- Death: Sure thing. Might I suggest mutiny?
- Rudolph: Well… yes, I suppose that could work.
- Franz Joseph: Rudolph, I hear you’re planning a mutiny.
- Rudolph: Shit.
- Rudolph: Mummy? Please help?
- Elisabeth: You don’t have a Mummy.
- Rudolph: ……
- Death: I’m your friend -hands Rudolph a gun-
- Rudolph: -shoots self-
- Death: If only Elisabeth were this easy.
- Elisabeth: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! My son! Oh god, if only I had listened to you. If only I had paid attention to you. What do I do with this guilt and this grief? How can I live now? Oh Death! Come! Come take me now!
- Death: … No! HAHA! How’s it feel to be rejected? Huh? How’s it feel now? HAHA!
- Elisabeth: -cries and runs away again-
- Franz Joseph: Elisabeth? Are you ok? Please come home. Please stop running away. I need you. I love you. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.
- Elisabeth: It’s too late for all this shit.
- Lucheni: And now the ship is sinking! And by ‘ship’ we mean ‘world’. And by ‘world’ we mean ‘Austrian-Hungarian empire’. And by ‘sinking’ we mean ‘foreshadowing’.
- Franz Joseph: I’m confused as fuck.
- Death: Oh hai thar.
- Franz Joseph: Who the hell are you?
- Death: No one important. Now, Lucheni! Take this knife and get to it!
- Lucheni: =OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
- Lucheni: -creepy creepy stalky stalky-
- Elisabeth: -walky walky-
- Lucheni: -stabbity stab stab!-
- Elisabeth: =O
- Elisabeth’s assistant: Holly shit someone just stabbed her! Oh my god I should totally find a doctor! Oh my god she’s going to die! She needs a doctor! She’s dying! Dying I tell you! Dying!
- Elisabeth: -dies-
- Death: Hello old friend.
- Elisabeth: Hello.
- Death: I still love you.
- Elisabeth: Frankly, I’m just fucking world weary. But yes, I am ready to come into your embrace now.
- Death: =3
- Elisabeth: But don’t forget, I lived my life for me.
- -They kiss-
- -The end-
- Lucheni: HOLD UP A MOMENT! Where did all my parts go?! I was supposed to narrate this story?
- Me: I did it for you =3
- [Edit; moved that scene to the second act, where was my head, ah right it was 2am sorry ._. ]
please consider: rihanna as crowley and lupita as aziraphale
this brought to you by the committee for the healthy perpetuation of good omens fancasts that don’t involve a) benedict cumberbatch and martin freeman, b) benedict cumberbatch and matt smith, c) martin freeman and matt smith, or d) all the above + arthur darvill
musical theatre female character meme
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